Enjoy our team's carefully selected dirty jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest dirty jokes with your friends!
Some call a 69 nasty.
Some see it as a nice romantic dinner for 2.
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What is a long, wide thing that men carry hanging in front of it?
Tie.
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What does a man who had a vasectomy have in common with a Christmas tree?
Their balls are both decorative.
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. She usually slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, April, who created the universe?”
When April didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“GOD ALMIGHTY!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “Very good!”
And April fell back asleep.
A while later, the teacher asked April, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But April didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“JESUS CHRIST!” shouted April.
The teacher said, “very good!”
And April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question, “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time, April jumped up and shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!”
The Teacher fainted.
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Yo mama is so ugly that she could be the poster child for birth control.
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Three guys decide to stop for a drink after work on Christmas Eve.
One thing leads to another, and they end up barhopping all night.
While going to one last place, they get in a terrible accident and all three are killed.
They find themselves standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter tells them, “Boys, you’re in luck. Since it’s Christmas, we have a special policy. Show me anything that shows that you’re celebrating the day, and you get into Heaven.”
One guy pulls out his lighter and flicks it, “Christmas candle!”
St. Peter: “OK, it’s a stretch, but you’re in.”
The second guy pulls out his keys and jingles them, “Christmas bells!”
St. Peter: “Whatever, you’re in.”
The third guy pulls a pair of women’s panties out of his pocket.
St. Peter says, “Hold up. I’m willing to stretch a point today, but what do panties have to do with Christmas?”
Guy: “They’re Carol’s.”
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A salesman rings the doorbell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: “Can I see your dad?”
Johnny: “No, he’s in the shower.”
Salesman: “What about your mother? Can I see her?”
Johnny: “Nope. She’s in the shower, too.”
Salesman: “Do you think they’ll be out soon?”
Johnny: “Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him superglue instead.”
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A man went to the doctor because he was having problems with premature ejaculation.
“Try surprising yourself when you feel like you’re about to ejaculate,” the doctor said.
That following day, the man went to the store, purchased a starter gun, and dashed home to his wife.
That night, the two were making love and ended up in position 69.
The man felt the need to ejaculate and pulled out the starting pistol.
The next day, he returned to the doctor, who inquired about his progress.
The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my manhood, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
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A wife walked in on her husband putting on a condom.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
He replied, “Wrapping your Christmas present!”
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If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs.
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